As I peered through the blinds in my bedroom, a full moon illuminated the sky. My heart ached for the darkness within my soul to brighten that easily, but as I closed the shades, the blackness remained. Tears streamed down hollow spaces.
Sitting on the edge of my bed, I scrolled on my phone to numb the pain.
“You have no good reason to be depressed, Amber, just get it together,” my mind spat.
“Jesus died for you, and this is how you serve him? Crying and ungrateful?”
“You should be ashamed of yourself. Are you even a Christian?”
Between shallow breathing and trembling hands, all I could pray was, “God, make it stop.”
Afterward, I journaled: “I’m scared the darkness is going to win. I’m scared I’ll always be this way. I’m scared of seeking you in the dark, afraid I’ll never find the light.”
Today, I still experience what many have referred to for centuries as “dark nights of the soul.” Those moments when the depression is looming and you can barely get out of bed, or anxiety riddles you to your core. But in them, through his grace and seeking therapies that have supported my journey, God has reminded me of three things. Despite what others, or even your mind, may tell you, God’s not mad at you. He’s not ashamed of you. And he’s with you, even when the darkness doesn’t lift.
1. God’s Not Mad at You
In 1 Kings 19, Elijah was exhausted. Queen Jezebel had threatened to kill him. Isolated and despairing, Elijah became so depressed, he prayed for death:
“I have had enough, Lord…Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors” (1 Kings 19:4, NIV).
If you’ve ever whispered those words, you’re not alone. In my lowest points—when I asked God, “What’s wrong with me?”, he responded with empathy and love (Psalms 14:2, TPT).
God didn’t rebuke Elijah for his depression, and he doesn’t rebuke you for yours. Instead, he sent an angel—twice—with bread and water because “the journey [was] too much” for him. Strengthened, Elijah was able to travel forty days and nights to Horeb, the mountain of God (1 Kings 19:5-9).
Even in our lowest places, God nourishes our souls so we can keep moving forward. Sometimes, that nourishment comes through physical food and rest; other times, it’s a walk outside, a session with a counselor, or simply space to breathe. All of it is a gift from God.
2. God’s Not Ashamed of You
When you’re feeling defeated or overwhelmed, finding the light can seem impossible. But God wasn’t mad at Elijah for struggling, and he’s not ashamed of you either. Depression and anxiety often carry shame, but God welcomes your need.
One thing we often overlook in Elijah’s story is that even after witnessing miracle after miracle, he still doubted. Not only did God provide food and water for Elijah in 1 Kings 19, but prior to that, he had been fed by ravens (1Kings 17:4), God used him to announce the beginning and end of a drought (1 Kings 17:1, 18:45), and he even raised a widow’s son from the dead (1 Kings 17:22)!
Life comes with mountaintop moments when God’s goodness is evident, and life is awesome. But there will also be rock-bottom lows, times when you feel anxious, numb, abandoned, and afraid. Even though you know he is good, that knowing doesn’t always translate into our hearts. These are the moments when you need to cling to this truth: God isn’t ashamed of you. He meets you in the Valley of the Shadow of Death nd sits with you there. He’s there in the sorrow and sunshine because his love doesn’t depend on how you feel.
Still, depression and anxiety often bring heavy blankets of shame. We wonder, “If I trusted God, would I still feel this way?” So, like Elijah, we flee. Retreat. Isolate. We trade God’s past wonders for this present worry. But even in hiding or isolation, God doesn’t bring condemnation—he brings grace. He’s not ashamed of you in the cave. He sits with you in it and helps call you out. And that’s exactly what he did with Elijah.
3. God is with You
Elijah, still depressed, was led to a cave. God asked him, “What are you doing here?” (1 Kings 19:8-9). Elijah replied, “I have been very zealous for the Lord … [but] I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too” (1 Kings 19:10).
Can you sense the apprehension?
God didn’t argue. Instead, he told Elijah to stand on the mountain. A powerful wind, earthquake, and fire passed by. But God wasn’t in those forces. Then came a gentle whisper. That’s where Elijah heard him.
God asked again, “What are you doing here?” Then he gave Elijah a new mission: to return and appoint new leaders, Jehu and Elisha, who were ready to confront the enemy head-on (1 Kings 19:13-17). But even more than that, God revealed that Elijah wasn’t actually alone—God had preserved 7,000 faithful people in Israel (1 Kings 19:18). Elijah wasn’t as alone as he felt, and neither are we.
If you’re in the thick of depression or anxiety, it may be difficult to see a way out. It’s hard to believe God loves you amid the struggle. But just as God spoke to Elijah in a still, small voice, he’s speaking gently to us today.
God sees you right where you are. Just as he cared for Elijah, his response to your weakness and pain meets you in your present and points you toward your purpose.
As Elijah traveled back to the Desert of Damascus, God didn’t take away Elijah’s depression. No magic wand was waved or quick fix offered as a solution. God did, however, provide rest, food, water, and the support of others so Elijah would be well-equipped for the journey.
And following the Lord’s commands, Elijah called Elisha to be his servant and obey the instructions he’d been given. Though it wouldn’t be until much later that Elijah’s enemies would be defeated and God’s purposes for Elijah fulfilled. This tells me two things:
- Elijah may have still been struggling.
- But he knew that God was with him—even in the dark.
I’ve had plenty of dark days and darker nights. Moments when I couldn’t see the light or tell someone I was hurting. But Elijah reminds us that even the faithful can feel weak, but God doesn’t leave.
Consider how Jesus felt just hours before his crucifixion. Kneeling in the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus knew what it was like to face tragic times. Hours before the darkest dark in history, he prayed three times, “Father, if you are willing, take this cup away from me” (Luke 22:42). Ultimately, Jesus accepted the Father’s plan and chose to do the hard thing. His darkest day was not taken away from him; instead, he humbly embraced it because he loves us and wants us to share eternity with him. Jesus didn’t go to the cross for his gain. He went willingly for ours.
God’s provision doesn’t always remove our darkness, but he does promise his presence.
Maybe today, you’re staring out the window, feeling swallowed by darkness. Your thoughts accuse you. You feel alone, broken, and hopeless. But if that’s you, there’s still reason for hope. Jesus illuminates every dark place. He’s not scared of your shadows.
“If I say, ‘Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,’ even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you” (Psalm 139:11-12).
When we’re trapped by anguish, it can be difficult to press into Christ and feel his presence. I’ve been trapped there and often still am. But a day has come and is coming when the light will overwhelm the darkness forever.
“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through Him all things were made; without Him nothing was made that has been made. In Him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it” (John 1:1-5, emphasis added).
Dark days and nights are part of our humanity. No one is exempt. But amid them, reach for hope. God’s light. His presence penetrates the darkness.
There’s a reason why so many writers reflect on the fact that we wouldn’t know the power of light without wrestling in the dark. Let that be true of every night you’ve wept by the window, every mental health battle you’ve faced. Knowing the darkness will come, but it doesn’t last forever. Because, in the end, darkness doesn’t win. Faith, hope, and love do.
A Note from Reclaim Today:
If you’re walking through depression or anxiety, please know you’re not alone. While this reflection points us to God’s love and presence, we also believe he often provides healing through doctors, therapists, and community support. If you find yourself unable to cope, feeling unsafe, or struggling to function day to day, we encourage you to reach out for professional help. If you’re in the United States and ever feel like you might be a danger to yourself, please dial 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline right away. God cares deeply for your whole wellbeing—spiritual, emotional, and physical—and we do too.
